Who am I?
This is a "private" blogpost - you shouldn't know about this unless I've given the link to you.
Where am I most "me"?
After yet another falling out with a group of people I considered "friends" (but in retrospect, they were actually far from it), I decided enough is enough. I need to rethink myself and my interactions with the world.
Should I care about my boundaries?
In short, yes.
In not-so-short, I've been disregarding my boundaries this whole time. My brain's fried? Keep working regardless. I'm uncomfortable with people? Stay near them so I'm not as uncomfortable.
Yet, that approach to things has never, and will never, work.
I get an angry feeling whenever my social boundaries have been crossed. I get a fearful feeling whenever my physical boundaries have been crossed. Do I listen to these? No. That's what ruined my last relationship with my last friend group.
I still feel guilty for saying These Cursed Gamer Words. I still feel guilty for getting angry at everyone for no reason. I still feel guilty for not listening to my body when it knows I'm crossing my own boundaries.
But at the same time, when this person I've had the most problems with is known to want to be always right in an argument, does that mean I'm protecting them? Is this a trauma response?
So I'm just going to start respecting my boundaries and finding people who I know I can get along with.
How do I respect my boundaries?
Simple. Just spend more time on myself, and less on others.
"But don't you need social interaction to live?" Yup! After I spend time getting the things I need to do today done. I'm no longer in the constant "I have to be in voice chats" mood anymore, since I'm not with people who badmouth others behind their back.
How do I find people I get along with?
- Are they LGBT?
- Are they not-white (but if they are, do they not use their privilege?)
- Do they have ADHD/autism?
- Do they share common interests?
There I go! I have friends who meet at least 2 of those criterium. I should find myself talking to them more.
How do I feel now that I've distanced myself?
A lot better, that's for sure. There is a weight off my shoulders now that I don't have to pretend to be friends with people who give advice that doesn't suit me. Maybe I am more of an introvert who socializes sometimes, but who knows? Balance is key in life.
This was a pretty scattered blog, but it gets out the scattered thoughts in my head.
Until next time.